Are You Appreciated? (And Why You're Probably Getting It Wrong)
Are You Appreciated? (And Why You're Probably Getting It Wrong)
We've talked about safety, the bedrock of any healthy relationship. We've talked about trust, the invisible force that can ruin your past, present, and future. Today, we're shifting gears to something equally vital, yet often overlooked: Appreciation.
I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with women who feel completely unappreciated in their marriages. "I bend over backward for him, and he just forgets everything I do." It's a common, corrosive feeling.
But here's the unfiltered truth: *it's essential to see and appreciate all the little, mundane things your partner does day in and day out. Because if you're not, your relationship is starving.
Why We Fail to Appreciate (The Bullshit Reasons)
There are some key reasons why people don't show appreciation, and they're usually rooted in faulty thinking:
"They're Supposed To": This is the biggest one. "She's supposed to sleep with me." "He's supposed to do the dishes." "She's supposed to make the bed." You've agreed on roles, so you expect them to be fulfilled. But just because something is expected doesn't mean it can't be appreciated.
"They're Doing It For Themselves": "She cooked dinner, but she was going to eat anyway." "He took out the trash, but he was already going outside." This is a cop-out. A simple "Thank you for doing that for us" can transform a self-serving action into a deposit in your relationship bank.
Bitterness & Tit-for-Tat: "You didn't appreciate me when I picked up the kids, so now I'm not going to appreciate you." This creates a corrosive, downward spiral. We've all played this game (even Whitney and I, as recently as this morning!). It's a race to the bottom.
Feeling Unappreciated vs. Being Unappreciated: A Crucial Distinction
Here's a mind-bending truth: If you're feeling unappreciated, that does not automatically mean you are unappreciated.
Your feeling is a fact – it's a fact that you feel that way. But your feeling is just one thread in the fabric of your relationship. There's a whole lot of other information. The first thing to do is a self-check: "Okay, I'm feeling unappreciated. That doesn't mean I am unappreciated."
The Love Language Mismatch: Speaking French to Someone Who Doesn't Speak French
Often, this feeling of unappreciation boils down to a Love Language mismatch. (If you haven't read "The Five Love Languages," go read it. It's a little churchy, but it's the best framework I've ever seen for understanding how people show and receive love.)
My primary love language is Words of Affirmation. Whitney's is Acts of Service. For a long time, I'd write her notes every day, pouring out my appreciation. She wouldn't write back. I thought, "What the hell? I'm appreciating you so much, and you're doing nothing!"
But she was doing things. She was loving me how she wanted to be loved – through acts of service. She was speaking French, and I only understood English.
I'd do the dishes, make the coffee, clean the closet – things that felt ridiculous to me because Acts of Service is my lowest love language. But every single time, she'd say, "Thank you! That was so great!" Why? Because I was speaking a language she could understand.
The "Surprise Trip" Fallacy: Don't Lessen the Appreciation
This Love Language mismatch plays out in big ways too. Guys, listen up: buying surprise trips for your wives is usually a horrible idea on about a hundred different levels.
I used to surprise Whitney with trips: "We're going to Hawaii! We leave in an hour!" First, I stressed her out because she wasn't packed. Second, if I packed for her, it was certainly "not right." But most importantly, if I gave her the gift six months ahead of time, she could enjoy it for six months. By keeping it a secret, I lessened the appreciation. She didn't get to plan, pick out swimsuits, or anticipate the joy.
You're throwing hot dogs in the fish tank and wondering why your goldfish is starving. You're delivering appreciation in a way they can't receive it.
Your Relationship's "Hot Dog" Test: What Would Be Different If You Died Tomorrow?
This is a powerful, uncomfortable thought experiment: If you were to die tomorrow, how would your spouse's life really be different?
Beyond the obvious sadness (assuming you weren't killed by an ungrateful spouse!), what tangible things would be missing? When I go, the flowers I buy for Whitney go. The coffee I make her every morning goes. That's a constant reminder of how much I loved her, even beyond the grave.
If you can't think of a lot of things, start creating them. If the answer is "nothing," then you either don't have much of a relationship, or you haven't thought about it.
Actionable Steps to Fuel Appreciation:
Speak Their Language: Figure out your partner's primary love language and intentionally show appreciation in that way.
Say "Thank You for Us": Even if they're doing something for themselves, acknowledge how it benefits both of you.
Don't Withhold Out of Anger: Even when you're pissed off, continue to make deposits. Whitney still makes the bed, even when she's angry. It eases the tension and reminds us we're still building "us."
Communicate Your Needs: If you're feeling unappreciated, don't stew in bitterness. Inform your partner: "When you do X, it doesn't really do anything for me. Here's how I'd like to be appreciated."
Be Willing to Receive Feedback: If your partner tells you how they feel, don't get defensive. Listen. It's not an attack; it's an invitation to connect. (Whitney and I have had to learn this the hard way!)
Prioritize Connection Over "Rightness": Whitney used to spend so much time cooking dinner (her act of service) that we had no time for games with the kids. When I suggested one night a week for sandwiches and games, she let go of her "right" way of showing appreciation and embraced a new way that served "us."
Action Over Insight
Hopefully, this podcast has given you some powerful insights and thoughts. But here's the final, unfiltered truth: relationships don't get better because of insight; they get better because of action.
I challenge you to take one insight you had from this, and put it into action. Text someone appreciation. Send a voice memo. Show some appreciation right now*, on their terms. Don't let this be just another good idea. Make it something you actually use to change your relationship for the better.
