"I'm Fine": The Two-Word Lie That's Killing Your Relationship (And How to Stop It)
"I'm Fine": The Two-Word Lie That's Killing Your Relationship (And How to Stop It)
Welcome back to Powerfully Imperfect. Remember our mantra: Perfection is a lie, but excellence is achievable. Nowhere is that more brutally true than in your most important relationships – especially with your spouse.
Coach Whit and I are here to be powerfully imperfect, and honestly, there's no better example of it than us. We still giggle because every time I say "powerfully imperfect," Whit's thinking, "Wait a second, you're not perfect!" And she's right. You can tell in a million different ways.
Today, we're diving deep into one of the most famous, most damaging phrases in any relationship: "I'm fine."
Coaching, Not Counseling: Our Approach to Real Change
Just a quick note: Whit and I run a program called "Coaching Not Counseling" for couples. We're not here to sell you anything today, just deliver value. But if you're a couple that wants to be coached, we can help.
The difference? Counseling typically focuses on healing past damage, figuring out who you are, and settling old scores. It's essential for mending broken bones. Coaching, like a stagecoach, is about taking you from where you are to where you want to be. We help couples who aren't "broken" but are stuck, not creating anything together, and need tools to take their relationship to the next level – especially those working together or managing busy homes.
It's about taking action. It's one thing to talk about what you want as a couple; it's another to actually take the action to move forward, to create a unit that's constantly evolving, not stagnant.
The Purpose of Your Marriage: More Than Just Kids
We start by asking couples: What is the purpose of your marriage? It's a tough question. And if I asked you and your spouse separately, would you give the same answer? Most of the time, it's no. Often, the answer is "kids."
Look, we have five kids. We love them. But that's a really short-lived purpose. Having had two leave the house, and two more on their way out, I can tell you: that purpose is gone in a second. Your purpose as a couple, as individuals, had better be greater than just raising kids.
"I'm Fine": The Silent Relationship Killer
Now, back to "I'm fine." These two small words carry so much hidden meaning.
From Whit's perspective (the "I'm fine" sayer):
"Having coached as many women as I have, and just being a woman, I've heard and said 'I'm fine' so many times it annoys me when I say it and I'm not. What it creates for me is distance. The second I say 'I'm fine' when I'm not, I start digging a hole, not allowing myself to communicate with the person I love most."
From Kevin's perspective (the "I'm fine" receiver):
"We all have those stop-gap phrases. The first level of the 'I'm fine' problem is when it's believed. I used to believe Whit. Now, 13 years in, not so much. But there are two layers to this 'believing':
Genuine belief: You're convincing, you're hiding something, and you're effectively hiding it.
Pretended belief: I know you're not fine, but I'm going to let you be fine. Why? Because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to spend 20 minutes digging to get you to admit you're not fine, and then another 20 minutes talking about why. So, you pretend to be fine, I'll pretend to believe you, and we're 'good.'
Think about how out of sync and out of touch that is. It's not great, but a lot of couples live there."
The Unexplained Negative & The Fixer's Frustration
When Whit says "I'm fine," and I know something's off, my mind immediately goes to: "What did I do?" If I can't figure that out, then: "What do I need to fix?" If I can't figure that out, I get frustrated and feel disconnected.
The natural human tendency when there's an unexplained negative is to think: "It's my fault," or "I need to fix it." This isn't just men; it's everybody. But for men, especially, with our testosterone-driven biology, we're wired for results, for finding an outcome. Women, with estrogen-driven biology, often default to connection and community first. These are opposite driving factors, and it creates a dynamic where one person wants to fix, and the other often just wants to be heard.
Whit often says, "I don't want you to fix it; I just want to have space to dump." But then, she doesn't want to tell me how she's feeling either! It's a trap.
The Solution: Simple, Not Easy
If you're someone who says "I'm fine" a lot, or your partner does, here's the simple (but not easy) solution:
*Say what you're really thinking. Instead of "I'm fine," try: "I don't want to talk about this right now," or "I'm overwhelmed," or "I'm feeling sad and I don't know why." This creates integrity and truth.
Practice with strangers. Whit suggests practicing this with low-stakes interactions, like the barista or the grocery store clerk. Instead of "I'm good," try, "Man, I'm in a rush right now, gotta get home for carpool." It's easier to be vulnerable with a stranger than with the person who means the most to you.
Have a separate conversation. The moment your partner says "I'm fine" and you know it's a lie is not* the time to address the "I'm fine" problem. That just magnifies it. Instead, when you're both in a reasonably good, neutral mood, bring it up. "Hey, I heard this podcast about 'I'm fine,' and I realize I say it a lot when I don't mean it. I'd like to talk about that." Or, "I think you say 'I'm fine' a lot, and I'd love to know what you really mean so we can be clearer."
Focus on "working vs. not working." Get away from the endless struggle of "right and wrong." If your partner says "I'm fine," and you know they're not, you don't have to force them to admit it. You both know the truth. Instead, say, "Hey, when you're ready to talk about what's not fine, I'm here." And then leave it. Don't try to force an admission to prove you're "right."
Give grace. This takes reps. You're going to fail forward. There will be moments when you see the "angry eyebrows" or the crossed arms, and you'll want to push. Instead, offer grace. "I can tell something's going on with you, and when you're ready to talk about it, I'm here."
Clarity is Confidence
Relationships don't fail in a minute; they fail over years as confidence erodes. When you say "I'm fine" and you're not, you're adding a lack of clarity, which erodes the confidence in your relationship.
Clearing up those communication channels, one piece at a time, is incredibly useful and effective. It might look ugly at first, but those baby steps will open up a different world for you.
This is all about being powerfully imperfect. You're going to fail, you're going to mess up, and that's okay. You can come back more and more powerfully every single time. Give yourself permission to be bad at this until you're great at it.
