No Guilt, No Shame, New Choices: A Mantra for Living Your Best Life
No Guilt, No Shame, New Choices: A Mantra for Living Your Best Life
This is a powerful mantra that has been a fundamental aspect of our training since day one, and even before then. On day one, during a pod call with a man who had been struggling with chronic alcoholism and had relapsed, the words just came out of my mouth. I wanted to communicate something meaningful to him, but I knew that we couldn’t solve his problem in one conversation, especially since I didn’t personally struggle with his issue.
Feeling at a loss for words, I said, “Hey, man, no guilt, no shame, new choices.” The impact of those words hit us all, and it struck me just as hard as it did him. We wrote it down and thought about it, and I’ve been pondering this concept for years. No guilt, no shame, new choices has become the guiding principle for how I live my life. It’s not only a helpful mantra that gets me through difficult times, but also a practical approach for my everyday living without guilt.
Understanding Guilt and Shame
What is guilt? Guilt is the feeling I get when I’ve done something wrong and I wish I had acted differently, even though I didn’t.
While I’m still in the process of doing something wrong, guilt can be helpful because it serves the purpose of telling me that I don’t want to continue with that action. For example, if I were in the middle of robbing a bank and I started feeling guilty, it could be a sign that I need to stop. Guilt is the emotion that stops me from doing something that I know is wrong.
Shame, on the other hand, is a different kind of emotion because it’s tied to other people’s perceptions and expectations of me. When others tell me that I should stop doing something or start doing something else, that’s a shame. It’s a form of social pressure that can lead me to feel embarrassed, humiliated, or unworthy.
No guilt, no shame. New choices. This mantra doesn’t give us a free pass to do whatever we want without consequences. Guilt and shame are like invisible prisons that can hold us back from making positive changes in our lives. By acknowledging these emotions and choosing to make new choices, we can break free from the limitations they impose on us.
The Power of New Choices
Guilt can be cleared by making a new choice. It’s like the cycle of drinking in the story of the Little Prince and the drunkard. The drunkard drinks because he’s sad, and he’s sad because he drinks. It’s a never-ending cycle.
Guilt is a human emotion that signals a desire to stop doing something. However, we can choose to ignore it and continue with our behavior. Once we make the choice to stop, guilt no longer serves a purpose.
When feeling guilty, it’s helpful to ask ourselves if there’s something we need to change or stop doing. Or are we just dwelling on the past and need to make a new choice?
Cheating is an example of a choice that can carry a heavy burden of guilt. While the responsibility of the choice made will follow us for the rest of our lives, the guilt doesn’t have to. It’s a choice we make to carry that guilt.
Shame, on the other hand, comes from external pressure and can be cleared by making a decision. We decide if what others are saying is true and if it aligns with our values. If it does, we make a new choice. If it doesn’t, we can choose to put down the shame and continue with our lives.
Ultimately, new choices can clear both guilt and shame. The mantra “No guilt, no shame, new choices” is a powerful tool that can help us move forward in our lives.
The Importance of Taking Responsibility
Remember, clearing the guilt does not clear the responsibility. Clearing the shame does not clear the responsibility. Despite no longer feeling guilty or ashamed, I still carry the responsibility for my past actions.
I have my own set of cowardly baggage to carry due to my decision to cheat on my first wife, which ultimately led to the end of our marriage. While I no longer carry the weight of guilt and shame, which were heavier than any other consequence, I still hold myself accountable for the choices I made.
It’s important to remember that taking responsibility for our actions is a crucial step in moving forward and making new choices. Clearing the guilt and shame can alleviate the emotional burden, but it doesn’t erase the impact of our choices. We must acknowledge the consequences of our actions and hold ourselves accountable for them.
By accepting responsibility, we can learn from our mistakes and make better choices in the future. We can also strive to make amends and seek forgiveness from those we’ve hurt. Taking responsibility is not an easy task, but it’s an essential part of personal growth and development.
Make A New Choice Today
Today, we are going to engage in a powerful conversation. I want you to ponder deeply about something that makes you feel guilty. Please don’t deceive us by claiming that you are among the few humans who do not experience guilt, unless you are a sociopath. Everyone has some residual guilt, although you may have already resolved a significant amount. I am not implying that you committed a heinous crime that nobody knows about, but rather, what is something that makes you feel guilty or ashamed? Let’s have a meaningful discussion about how these feelings serve you.
Guilt is not beneficial unless it prompts change. Similarly, shame can be beneficial in highlighting areas that require improvement, but only until you take action to address them. Therefore, this conversation will motivate you to make positive changes.
I will leave you with three straightforward phrases to remember: No guilt, no shame, new choices.
