What Zoolander Can Teach You About Your Marriage (Hint: It's All About the Turn)

What Zoolander Can Teach You About Your Marriage (Hint: It's All About the Turn)

Remember Zoolander? The male model who couldn't turn left? What you didn't know is that movie was a giant, powerfully imperfect metaphor for how to make your marriage work.

Your problem, and your marriage's problem, probably isn't that you can't turn left. It's how you turn to one another that's the massive indicator of whether your relationship is going to thrive or flatline.

Whitney and I have been diving deep into this, and we've found just about every possible way to screw it up ourselves. But understanding this simple concept can absolutely transform your connection.

The Three Turns: Toward, Away, or Against?

Researchers like John and Julie Gottman (look up their work, it's amazing) literally watched couples, counting how many times one partner made a "bid for attention" – any attempt to connect, big or small – and how the other partner responded.

There are three basic outcomes:

• Turning Toward: This is when you acknowledge, engage, and connect with your partner's bid for attention. It's saying, "I see you, I hear you, you matter."

• Turning Away: This is ignoring, dismissing, or simply not responding. Your partner makes a bid, and you're too engrossed in your phone, your work, or your own head to notice or care. Our phones, these little screens we carry everywhere, are the ultimate "turn away" device.

• Turning Against: This is actively attacking or rejecting your partner's bid. It's a hostile response, like "Shut the hell up, I'm busy!"

Think about the last five or six interactions you've had with your partner. Which turn dominated?

The Toothpaste Test (Again): A Bid for Connection

Remember our toothpaste saga? My neat tube, Whitney's monkey-grip tube? Whitney squeezing the tube from the middle, knowing it drives me nuts, is actually a bid for attention. It's her way of saying, "Hey, I'm here! Notice me!"

And my reaction? Sometimes it's a turn against ("Why do you always do that?!"). Sometimes it's a turn away (I just fix it silently, stewing). But the goal is to turn toward.

No One Is Perfect (And That's Okay)

Let's be brutally honest: all couples do all three. If you're telling me you never turn against or never turn away, you're full of shit. That's not real. It's not about eliminating the "against" or "away" turns entirely. That's crazy. You'd be a doormat.

There are times you need space. There are times you need to say, "Hey, I can't connect right now, give me five minutes." That can still be a turn toward if you acknowledge your partner and communicate your need.

The key is awareness. How often are you doing each?

The Devastating Statistics: Why the Ratio Matters

The Gottman Institute's research is eye-opening:

Couples who eventually divorced were turning toward each other only 33% of the time.

Couples who stayed together and had thriving relationships were turning toward each other a staggering 86% of the time.

That's a massive difference. Relationships aren't falling apart because of one big, catastrophic event. They're dying a slow death by a thousand paper cuts – all the little moments where we didn't make space, didn't turn toward, didn't give that attention that maybe wasn't convenient at the time.

From Vulnerability to Connection: My French Car Story

I have a personal story that perfectly illustrates the power of turning toward, even in the face of aggression.

Years ago, as a missionary in France, I was bombing down a steep street on my bike. My brakes popped, sending me straight into moving traffic. I tumbled, my legs tangled, watching a French car get closer and closer. Head on the pavement, I was convinced I was about to get run over.

The driver, understandably, was in full "turn against" mode. He slammed his brakes, laid on the horn, and came out of his car yelling, "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

My instinct was to fight back. But in that moment, I made a conscious decision to turn toward. I looked up, my legs tangled and bloody, and said, "Thank you for not running me over. My brakes popped. Thank you."

He completely flipped. He went from rage to tears. He helped me, pulled my bike to the curb, and the whole world became about me. We hugged. All of that, brought about by not engaging in the "turn against" and simply turning toward, owning my vulnerability.

Your Relationship's Maintenance Plan

Just like you maintain your car or your house, your relationship needs maintenance. And that maintenance is turning toward.

Give eye contact: When your partner says "Hey babe," stop what you're doing, turn your body, and give them your full attention. It's a massive validation.

Communicate your needs: If you need space, say it. "Hey, I need five minutes to finish this, then you have my full attention." That's a turn toward, not an excuse to ignore.

Don't mirror negativity: Just because your partner turns away or against you, don't give yourself permission to do the same. Lead by example. Turn toward them.

Forgive yourself: You're going to mess up. You're going to turn away or against sometimes. Forgive yourself, and try something different next time.

You may not have the makeup, the cut, and the modeling skills of Zoolander, but that "turn toward" can stop a deadly moment in its tracks. It can transform conflict into connection.

If you focus on making the vast majority of your interactions "turn toward," you have a chance at having a powerful, powerfully imperfect marriage. And I gotta say, it's the best.