Your Kids Are NOT Enough (And Why That's the Hard Truth Your Marriage Needs)
Your Kids Are NOT Enough (And Why That's the Hard Truth Your Marriage Needs)
Let's get straight to it. This might piss some of you off, but it's a truth we've seen play out in thousands of relationships, including our own: Your kids are not enough to keep your marriage together.
That's right. Not my kids, not your kids. They are not the reason to stay, the glue that holds it all together, or the ultimate purpose of your partnership. And if you're building your marriage on that foundation, you're setting yourself up for a brutal awakening.
Why? Because they will leave. We have five kids, and two are already out of the house. The third is almost there. We have living proof. The goal of raising children is to equip them to become capable, powerful adults who go live their own lives. Every family, at its natural end, is a family of two.
The Central Nervous System of Your Family
You and your partner are the central nervous system of your family. Biologically, emotionally – you are the adults. Everyone else in the house is still growing, still developing, still learning how to process the world. If that core relationship is broken, it cascades instantly into everyone.
It's no coincidence that one of the most common times for divorce is when the oldest or youngest child turns 3 or 18. Why? Because they're no longer dependent, and suddenly, couples realize they're left with just "this person" they may not even know anymore. The divorce rate for people 50 and older is skyrocketing for this exact reason. They built their lives around the kids, and when the kids are gone, there's nothing left.
The Hostility Your Kids Do See
Many parents say, "We don't fight in front of our kids." That's bullshit. Your kids pick up on the hostility, the tension, the unspoken resentment. They are emotional sponges.
Just the other day, our seven-year-old, Liam, heard Whitney and me in an argument. We're not violent, but we're direct. We don't pull punches. He heard the heated words, and his first instinct was to run upstairs and ask his older sister, "Are they breaking up?" He even asked Whitney later, "Mom, are you and Dad gonna break up?"
We had made up, but we hadn't made up in front of him. He was still carrying that tension. It was a stark reminder: it's our responsibility to cultivate, maintain, and nurture our relationship through all these kids.
And here's another hard truth: if you hide all your fights, you're teaching your kids that healthy marriages don't have fights. So when they get into their own relationships and conflict inevitably arises, they'll think their marriage is broken. We want to model the good, the bad, and the ugly – and how we come back together.
Your Kids Are Not Your Possessions
Let's be clear: your kids are not yours. We abolished slavery a long time ago. Stop thinking of them as possessions, as things you own that should pay you homage forever. That's not real.
You have the privilege of raising them, guiding them, and preparing them to be their own powerful adults. But thinking you possess them blurs the lines and complicates your marriage. You start managing "things" you own, and you forget to manage each other.
Your relationship is primary. It's the one thing in the house that is truly yours – equally yours and your partner's. Don't let it go.
The "I Will Pick Her Every Time" Conversation
Early in our blended marriage, our kids, having seen their parents divorce, would constantly try to get us to pick sides. It was a natural fear for them.
So, we sat them down. I told them, "Listen, you all need to understand something. This relationship – me and this woman – this is the most important relationship in this house. Our marriage matters more than anything, because that's what keeps all of this together."
"If you put me in a position where I have to pick you or her, I will pick her every time. Even if I know she's wrong. Even if I know I'll probably lose a finger." (Maybe not the pointer finger, but you get the point.)
"I'm going to pick her to show you that's the most important relationship, because one day you're going to be married to someone, and I want you to know that's the most important relationship in your house. So don't make me pick. In this house, first place is Whitney, and tied for second place is the rest of you guys."
That was a powerful moment. It wasn't about loving them less; it was about modeling what a strong, lasting partnership looks like. Your children's relationships will tend to look like yours. What are you modeling?
Prioritizing Your Partnership: Non-Negotiable Date Nights
We actively model this. Our date nights are non-negotiable. Even if it means Isabella has to cancel plans with her boyfriend because it's our only date night, that's what happens. We explain why: "This is our time. We're primary."
And date nights don't have to be fancy. We're the old people having dinner at 5:30 and back by 8:30. Sometimes it's just a walk in the park, playing a beanbag toss game. The key is: *while we're on date night, we're not talking about the kids' problems, we're not talking about work. We're just talking about us. We're just enjoying each other.
Create those pockets of time with your person. Figure out what they like. Don't get caught up in "I always plan the dates." Who cares? Be the model.
The Bottom Line
Your kids are not enough. They're not a good enough reason to keep your marriage together. They're not enough purpose. Because they will leave. And then what do you have? You'll be living with someone you may not even know anymore.
The purpose of Whitney and my marriage is Whitney and I. It's protecting one another. It's me and her against the world. That includes raising kids, which is awesome. But if they ever came, we would be just as happy, just as fulfilled, and just as on fire for living our purpose.
Don't wait until you're 50+ and realize you've got nothing left but an empty nest and a stranger across the dinner table. Create the pockets of time. Nurture that primary relationship. Be on fire, on purpose, and love in life.
